ϟ Today

Today I found out that Ray’s sister in law’s Grandpa died. I feel so bad…I feel bad for their whole family he was the glue. Much like my grandmother. It reminded me that life and death continues. I never forgot but I think dealing with a parents death it consumes you and when you hear of another; you sympathize so much that suddenly you realize other people than your parents can still die.

ϟ Not Sure.

I’m not sure why I have a sudden feeling of anxiety…I developed a list of about 20 different excuses why and I’m beginning to frustrate myself. 

I work constantly and am so close to being on track and with bills, which means I have zero time for others, myself or life in general. I feel like I’m so close to starting a life I seek but yet stuck. I don’t know why I want to constantly self improve all the time. I know I go through bursts of being unhappy then happy, but I’m starting to see that I’m not happy with my environment. Makes me sad to admit…

I think with my career choice I’ll always have anxiety due to all the poverty I see. It reminds me of low points in mine or my family’s life. I’ve never been ashamed of my past but I’ve been ignoring it lately. I haven’t been very close to my siblings lately, I actually feel very distant. We’re all in our own funk…I know some of my siblings have animosity towards me. Maybe because I didn’t suffer certain things with them…My sister and I haven’t been doing well either. Usually, I miss her or try and stay in contact but right now I could careless. I have a grudge against her but I’ll never ever admit it to her. Ever. I hate when she disagrees with me. Its like she automatically looks down upon me. Maybe that’s why I’m so close to Chucky is that we agree. We’re so empowering to each other and others hate us for it. 

Ray leaves for a couple days. It’ll be a healthy breather. But I’ll be lonely. So pathetic..Dependency is bad but hey its been 7 years. There is a chance he’ll go to Hawaii for 2 months. Pros and cons…I really look forward to being able to concentrate on myself. But I’m scared to see what I’ll discover. Whatever I’ll get over it…